This is my paper heart...

photo from bitsy

This weekend was a lot of fun for me despite the frigid temperatures here in NYC. Saturday was a lazy day that involved laying in bed and watching movies, and Sunday was quite busy with meeting friends in two different boroughs.

Sunday was a treat, though, mostly because I was treated. I cannot express how much I appreciate and adore my friends. The lovely Amina treated me to brunch and several cups of hot chocolate on our outing Sunday afternoon. We wandered aimlessly around midtown for six hours. It was a lovely afternoon.

I left Amina to drop of cookies and clothing that I had borrowed from my friend Ericka. It was movie day at Casa De Queens so I plopped down on the floor and took in the cinema while I was there. It was in fact a 2 hour train ride through 3 boroughs, I might as well make it worth it. We watched "Paper Heart" with Charlyne Yi and Michael Cera. It was this scripted documentary. I really liked it mostly because I can relate.

I have had some of the conversations that are in the beginning of the movie, almost verbatim. I am one of the non-believers. The Beatles have famously said "All you need is love..." but I beg to differ. The movie was entertaining, even though it felt that Cera strong armed his way into the movie. I was disappointed in that plotline. But there was a point that was made in the movie that sometimes the chemicals just don't work.

For me, that has been the case. I very much want the starry-eyed fireworks, the "BOOM-POP-SIZZLE" as I like to refer to it. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that is a mix of sheer excitement, anticipation, and a slight hint of nausea. The adrenaline, the dopamine, the seratonin, it makes for utter euphoria. I WANT THAT!

I am by no means saying that I am unlovable, because lets be honest, I'm awesome. Seriously. But, I may have faulty wiring, full disclosure. If I could turn it on at my leisure I would, trust. Even the sweetest, most kind-hearted gent I've ever met (well in NYC anyway) tried, oh so hard, and I couldn't be swayed. I wanted to, boy did I, but I couldn't feel anything.

I know that you're thinking, maybe there was no chemistry, etcetera, so on, and whatnot. But never in my life? I'll be 25 next week (sad, I know) and not once, not ever. Sad Trombones Everywhere. I've read the books and the blogs and just about everything under the sun saying I should open myself up to the possibility, I tried it and you know what... it's malarkey. All of it. I'm not closing myself off to love, I'm just not that desperate for it. (Then why on earth have I wasted your brain matter on this post?) This may just be me, acquiescing to the powers that be in acknowledgment that it ain't gonna happen. At least now we all know.